Who am I, what am I at 39?…tomorrow I’ll be four zero. Where have I come, where have I gone, where will I go? Why does it seem to matter so, more today than before?
I still remember the day I turned 20…I wasn’t carefree in my thinking, it’s as if I knew more than one should; that my tender teens were never to return. Didn’t matter that I was only a day older than before…I knew I could never return from whence I came. Could I enter my mothers womb again, can one relive infancy? Oh how us parents see that the infancy time of a baby flies by, in such a way we can never ever hold on to it.
I don’t remember much else…this life at times a blur. Busy this, busy that, distracted this, side swiped that. Yet, what I do know is that my essential nature still feels like that little girl whose innocence was an unknown gift, whose life was bittersweet before it ever blossomed into the beautiful flower I am. No person, no number, no enemy, no circumstance can ever take away from me the part that is eternal…unless I let it.
I’ll always be that girl that needs a mommy and a daddy…that needs love and doesn’t understand hate. I’ll always be that baby that wants to be held in warm arms, and cradled in tender loving care by an eternal hand that is stronger than what I can fathom and understand. I’ll always be that precious toddler that dances and sings simply because I can, because I breathe and have life. I’ll always be the gift that puts a smile on the faces of who she sees.
As I lay this 39th day to rest…I take a moment to realize that I can never get it back. But I don’t want it back. I can’t hold onto it, I won’t hold on to it…it’s not mine to keep. I am me and I go wherever I am. My spirit goes with me wherever I am. If I try to stay stagnant or go back, I would follow death…as every day a piece of matter is left behind. As I prepare for destiny for what lies ahead, I move in the new life, the new cells, the new matter…the place I created the day before, the year before, the decade before, at the moment of conception. A purpose, a reason, a means to a beginning.
My spirit follows where I allow it…I take it with me, I nurture it, I share it, I expand it. Building this spirit within, is preparing for a journey that my body can’t make. My physical being quakes and roars, but it is limited to this walk; this place. I am given a gift of life, the ability to be here, to teach my soul to choose life over death. That soul…my mind, will, and emotions…has been compromised at times by the life I’ve walked. Yet that soul, the very essence of who I am, is the way, the catalyst to eternity; to my spirit taking flight. That soul I have fought with, deceived, played with, denied, overindulged, sabotaged, and didn’t appreciate, and yet without it I lose everything that distinguishes me.
In the process of aging I fear where I’m going. I’ve been taught that I shouldn’t gray or wrinkle, lest I am not beautiful anymore…that I’m not worth as much. I’ve been given a time stamp and stigmatized to not be playful and malleable anymore. But the number that increases every year, which we call our age, is a deception. In fact we get better, not worse. What matters? Our soul choosing life (spirit) over death (body), or our soul choosing death (body) over life (spirit)? Choosing, being that act of focusing on and relying on.
As I become a “four zero-er”, I recognize the amazing opportunity I have…to subject my body to my spirit, via my soul. To not live by the constraints made by the world. That what matters is not always matter. It is not always what is seen, but what is unseen and eternal.
I am still that girl whose tears are genuine as of an 8 year old. I am still that teenager whose hope knows no limits. I am still the fetus in my mothers womb whom grows and becomes more each day. I am still the 20 year old that feels life in her bones. The only difference is that now it is not my age or my body that determines it. It is now the eternity that lives within me, because I have allowed my Spirit to become more than breath. More than molecules, more than air. I have merged with something, someone, that sanctifies me and sets me apart from limitation, death, decay, stagnation, bitterness, from mere mortal means.
There is a Spirit that is Holy…it is set apart and above all. It ignites a fire within that no man can put out. No lifetime can hold or grasp. It does not go where I go…my spirit goes and moves with It. In sync and in alignment with this Holy Spirit, I am given new life. I am birthed again…not by my mother…but of water and of Spirit. Where no bondage can hold me down. No number can define my worth. I become eternal and powerful. More powerful than 10,000 chariots. I can move mountains, give life to dead things, make dry bones alive, wash and cleanse away the grub of this walk, anoint myself to the perfection only glimpsed at in our earthly birth, and given beauty untold.
I am not older, I have not lost myself, I’m not bound by the constraints and curses seen in this realm. I am redeemed from the curse of the law. I am all I ever wanted and more. I am not less, I am more.
I will not be defined by the degradation of this world. I will not be defined by material and temporary. I am set apart for purposes above and beyond the mundane and the scathed.
I am grateful to be who I am now. The time that is given is real, yes it is our reality…and I know there are some loved ones that never made it to the four zero. Yet, it’s all in the blink of an eye.
I do make a promise to myself to subject my body to my soul…and take care of the temple we have, which houses the Holy Spirit. As I do want to be here as long as possible in order to impact others with love, and this wholeness I speak of. I also make a promise to myself to subject my soul to my spirit, that way I may be healed and not deceived, and not misled by the wiles of the evil one.
I’m done focusing on what is leaving me, or what I think is leaving me…which is time. Time was never ours in the first place. We are eternal beings. I am a spirit that lives in a body and has a soul. I must not forget that. This house, this world, is temporary. I am not.
So as I enjoy my last day being 39…instead of focusing on wanting to remain in my 30’s because of pride or fear, I will look forward to tomorrow. One step closer to fulfilling the plans and purposes of my life. To bring peace, joy, hope, love, strength, and truth to a broken world. That hope comes from He who is the way, the truth and the life. I am saved from the outlook and forecast of this world. I am given a peace that passes all understanding. And there is no end…but the beginning of something wildly wonderful and everlasting.
The past several months I have tried to hold onto the notion of my being in my 30’s…but we can’t hold onto anything. Even if we tried…it’s all in vain. I am proud to be 40. More importantly, I am proud that I am in fact NOT a number. He knows the hairs on my head. The Holy Spirit has set me free from darkness. I have resurrection life and power through Christ. Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world.
I am a child of the Great I AM! That’s my answer. That’s my number. That’s my calling. That’s my timelessness.
Praise God for another day to share…but Praise God more that this is not all there is!